Embracing Change (March 2014)

Although I have been a sports fan since a young child, I struggled to find success as an athlete.   Being taller than most other peers, I could rebound a basketball, but scoring points was quite a challenge due to my lack of shooting accuracy.   I was a catcher and outfielder in Little League, however, not much of a hitter.   And if the pitcher was throwing a “curve ball,” I rarely got a hit.   But as an adult, I strive to make the best of being thrown curve balls.

A few weeks ago, the clinicians whom I rent part-time office space from decided to retire this Spring.  David Fawcett and Collis Kimbrough have been excellent role models as well as mentors for developing my local practice.  Each has been praised for their work with assisting persons with substance abuse recovery and for healing work with HIV Positive clients.  Rather than panic about their pending respective retirements, I started to identify opportunities for locating a new practice location in Fort Lauderdale.

Coping with curve balls usually requires a strategic plan as well as outside support.  A brief list of ideal hours, size of the office space, and qualities of prospective new colleagues helped me focus on the possibilities.   A long-distance call to one of my best friends provided a wonderful surprising affirmation: “It’s been awhile since you’ve had no angst in your voice.  Florida is truly your home and you will find the new space for your clinical practice.”  Another call to a local colleague resulted in an interview.

Beginning the first week of April, I will have my own office in a suite at Wilton Plaza with Rena Conley, a long-standing well-respected clinician known for her work with PTSD and facilitating EMDR, and Lyle Davis, a licensed social worker with an outstanding reputation working with the local LGBT community.  I am honored to be sharing space with Rena and Lyle.  There are walls to be painted, furniture to arrange, business cards to print, office hours will expand and signs to order.  All of these tasks ensure the office opens efficiently; completing each task yields a smile to my face.

I remain committed to helping my clients embrace change in their lives.  Identifying the obstacles or challenges associated with a pending change of circumstances combined with the support of friends and loved ones is a great way to find success with life’s changes.   Cheers to the new office and new adventures!

What Does Love Mean?

The quote, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” from the novel and motion picture Love Story has been cited as one of the most quoted catchphrases of all time while also being the subject of much criticism.  Since Valentine’s Day will be celebrated this week, it seems appropriate to reflect on love, forgiveness, and “I’m sorry.”

Often when couples enter the therapy office, both parties identify various levels of hurt or resentment that has surfaced in their marriage/partnership related to one of more precipitating events.  The initial steps of couples therapy include identifying the root cause and the affects of the event(s), the current impact of the hurtful event(s) related to both person’s emotions, as well as its impact on the future plans of the couple.

It is critical to understand how the couple fell in love, what traits of their spouse does each party respect and admire, as well as how the couple  has successfully negotiated hurtful events in their past to make initial progress.   These three elements create a baseline of data to negotiate and collaborate about what steps to take to address the present day hurt.   And often, those steps include acknowledgement of the pain and frequently involve saying “I’m sorry” with a combination of other action oriented steps.

Most couples who have been together for decades will describe the importance of being best friends for each other.  They also emphasize being loyal during challenging times.  When I am entrusted to work with a couple to resolve a conflict, I focus on affirming each party’s inner strengths as well as restoring trust and resolving conflict. 

Maybe a better definition of love would be that love means owning a daily commitment to ensuring the happiness and well being of my soulmate. 

Holiday Suggestion List

While many of us reflect with a smile about holiday traditions with our families of origin, others may not have been so fortunate.  The holiday break at the end of December allows each of us to choose whom we wish to spend our time with, whether those persons include family of origin members, families that we have married into, and/or families we have created through the bonds of friendship.  

 Spouses and partners are encouraged to create holiday traditions and rituals that affirm their love and commitment to each other and their children.   If a partner’s family member(s) is not supportive of the relationship, then considering alternative plans for the holidays is a viable option.  My wish for my clients (as well as my friends) is that each of us can enjoy time with people we love such that the holidays are a time of relaxation, laughter, and encouragement.   Here are some suggestions, broken down by client groups, to be mindful of:

Parents

• Embrace holiday traditions from both spouse’s families
• Encourage your children’s bonds with their cousins who are often the first set of life-long friends.  Harmony between the aunts and uncles encourage and develop harmony amongst cousins.
• Collaborate with other parents about house rules and expectations when family is visiting for the holidays so that all the children have a similar understanding of “the rules.”
• Keep the lines of communication open with your spouse when determining budgets for gifts, events to attend, and the role of faith traditions during holiday celebrations. 

Adolescents

• Enjoy your holiday break from school but reserve at least one day for studying prior to your return to classes
• Cooperate when asked to complete household chores, especially if your parents are hosting relatives or close friends for an extended stay or for a holiday meal.
• Avoid alcohol and other drugs even if your peers are tempting you.  
• Be responsible with the family car.  If you are a passenger, then ensure that anyone driving a motor vehicle is free from alcohol or other drug use. 

Adults

• Stay within your budget for gifts, even though Santa appears to be leaving luxury cars in some driveways if you believe some current TV commercials.
• Be a gracious guest when invited by offering to clean up or bring side dishes and/or desserts for holiday meals which often require detailed planning and collaboration
• Moderate the intake of alcohol and sweets; enjoy the flavors but don’t regret gaining five to ten pounds by New Year’s Day due to overindulging.
• Consider donating some time to a local community center that is providing a holiday meal to those who are financially challenged and may not have housing. 

LGBT Community

• Be attentive to your nieces and nephews by participating in activities and games that the children perceive as fun and entertaining.   Listen to their stories when they confide about their academic and extracurricular achievements; they want to hear your encouragement.
• Encourage your parents and siblings to treat your partner in a similar manner (hopefully a welcoming one) to your sibling’s spouses.
• Disengage from family of origin as needed if “your lifestyle” is not accepted
• Snuggle up with your partner and be grateful for having a loving wonderful commitment