Beginning 2020 with a Fresh Start

The holidays are known as a time of hustle and bustle.  School systems and courtrooms essentially shut down between the Christmas holiday and New Year’s Day.   People purchase the right gifts for their family and friends, then pack luggage and cope with traffic or airport security lines or they prepare to host several family members that are visiting.   And now that 2020 has arrived, people consider losing weight, re-examining one’s career, or reflect upon concerns and feelings that arose during the holiday which motivate changes.

Treatment centers and counseling offices also notice an increase in utilization. Some of the reasons people seek assistance during this New Year include the following:

• Disagreement with a loved one about alcohol or other drug use, and the resulting consequences.

• Recognizing sadness after a family visit that did not meet expectations.

• Wishing communication with a spouse or partner could be improved.     
  Missing a loved one who passed away and the holiday triggered grief.     
  Still feeling anxious or stressed after the holiday period ends.

• Job dissatisfaction, especially if you dread returning to work after the holiday break. 

Clinicians help clients create goals associated with the catalyst for seeking help. To successfully reach those
identified goals, consider utilizing the SMART goals format:

• Specific: Being able to answer who, what, where, when, and why about the objectives.

• Measurable:  Establishing criteria for your objectives to be reached.      
  Attainable: Ensuring that the goals established can come true.    
  Realistic:  Ensuring you are willing to and can execute completion of the goal.

• Timely:  Setting deadlines for achieving the outcomes

For someone who decides to stop using drugs, an example of a SMART goal could be for the next ninety days, I will remain abstinent from alcohol and other drugs, avoid bars and parties, attend at least
three weekly 12-step meetings, and create a relapse prevention plan with both my sponsor and therapist.

For someone who wants to improve communication with his/her partner, SMART goals could include any of the following ideas:  for the month of January, my partner and I will set aside twenty minutes daily to remind each other why we love one another, negotiate a monthly budget to reduce the intensity of arguments about finances, and to discuss any disappointment experienced that day so to re-build a greater level of mutual trust.

For someone who is recognizing grief or unmet expectations from family, shift your focus back to finding joyfulness or happiness.  An example of a SMART goal in this case would be, during January, I will schedule a social event each weekend with a trusted friend that is likely to have me laugh on occasion and feel
grateful that I went out rather than remained sad at home by myself.

For someone who has decided to change jobs because of dissatisfaction in the workplace, SMART goals might include for the next three months, I will distribute my updated resume to at least five LinkedIn connections weekly as well as apply for a minimum of three jobs online weekly with a minimum salary of $xx,000 (specify the amount).

Clinicians who collaborate with you to establish SMART goals will not only monitor your progress, but will provide you with an opportunity to reflect on your feelings and responses to your progress and success as well as discuss any roadblocks your experience along the journey.

One other blessing:  we live in South Florida where you can take a brief respite to stick your toes in the sand and your feet in the ocean as an affirmation that you reside in a wonderfully therapeutic place to live as you
address any concerns that served as a catalyst for seeking help!  Happy New Year.

The Rationale for a Strong Professional Network

Primary care physicians are often viewed as reliable resources to help their patients identify medical specialists who can manage complex medical matters.  In a similar fashion, counselors are entrusted with the emotional well-being of our clients, and subsequently, counselors assist clients with locating valuable resources to cope with a variety of life’s challenges.   Hence, private practice counselors need to maintain a strong professional network to coordinate client referrals.

Some clients have conditions such as bipolar disorder or generalized anxiety disorder that require medication management services from a psychiatrist in addition to the therapy sessions.  Other clients may have Parkinson’s Disease that are best served with a consultation under a neurologist.  Several clients may work with one provider via individual therapy while working with another family therapist in joint sessions with her/his spouse or partner.  Thus, at FTLCFIT, I may provide the family or couples modality while clients are seen for individual therapy by another trusted provider.

I recently published an article citing the importance of outpatient counselors like myself having strong rapport with substance abuse treatment centers to provide clients with intensive outpatient or residential treatment services when necessary to remain clean and sober.  When impacted by relapse, substance abuse clients often require treatment at the more intense level of care than a weekly or bi-weekly individual counseling session.  Given the plethora of choices in South Florida, clients appreciate my ability to steer them towards programs with an established record of successful outcomes for clientele remaining clean and sober.

To ensure client health needs outside of the scope of emotional well-being, counselors can recommend competent and supportive medical professionals.   In Wilton Manors, many HIV Positive clients require physicians and specialists knowledgeable about the latest medication management strategies to maintain client physical well-being.  Transgender clients require experienced physicians who can monitor hormone treatment protocol.  Clients with anxiety disorders really appreciate dentists who are sensitive and thoughtful about explaining dental procedures to ease their angst in a dental chair.  Medical professionals who respect medication limitations for clients in recovery as well as understand the prospective dangers of short-term opiate use are essential referrals for clients actively working recovery processes.

My professional network includes attorneys, financial advisers, realtors, and a variety of home improvement professionals.  Why?  I advocate that professional networks extend beyond having a strong referral network of other clinicians, treatment facilities and medical professionals to assist with many of the key needs noted by Maslow’s hierarchy for good living.

Family law attorneys can ensure legal procedures are followed for the adoption of a child and/or to negotiate a divorce.  Estate planning attorneys ensure the financial well-being of a surviving spouse, partner or other family member through creation of wills; these professionals also ensure that health care advocates or financial power of attorneys are documented for clients with critical health issues.  Financial advisers ensure clients are investing properly for retirement goals as well as considering disability insurance and long-term health care options applicable to the client’s family situation.

Counselors may even recommend realtors to support a client’s decision to own a home and/or a business location.  Clinicians with extended networks may recommend electricians and home repair specialists, such as roofers or plumbers, to ensure a client’s home remains a safe and healthy environment to experience the joys of living.  And in our region, connecting someone to a disaster cleaning service or hurricane claims adjuster following a storm causing damage to a client’s home is a welcome relief.

Rather than be a counselor who is only concerned about a client’s progress during his or her therapy sessions, I remain committed to ensuring that clients may also benefit from recommendations to other knowledgeable and competent professionals to ensure emotional, physical, financial, mental and social balance and well-being.

Harvard Study about Raising Healthy Children. LGBTQ Impact Commentary

Psychologists at Harvard University published an article in early 2017 recommending five critical elements for raising healthy children.  This article will highlight those recommendations and then focus on how “long-standing members” of the LGBTQ community can serve as role models and allies to the teenagers and young adults who begin their journey as out LGBTQ persons.

1.    Spend Quality Time with Your Children.   This parenting recommendation is not limited to spending time with your children, but how to spend that time including open communication, listening carefully to their concerns and questions, as well as doing things that they are interested in.   Think about the recent TV commercial in which a dad has dressed up for his daughter’s tea party to the delight and beaming smile of this young child.  

Now the challenge for the “elders” (persons out for more than ten years as young as age 30 are included in this group!) in the LGBTQ community is to engage those newly out in activities that they enjoy, rather than just going out for drinks.  Determine if the LGBTQ young adult would like to try out a social event, team, or organization along with you.  Be open to listening to her/his struggles with new relationships, and encourage them with insights about success stories of long-term LGBTQ couples you know of (or have been a part of).  Introduce them to other close friends who share their interests.

2.  Let Your Kids See a Strong Moral Role Model and Mentor in You.  In other words, do as I do and not as I say.   Actions speak volumes, so demonstrating good manners, humility and honesty are incredibly valuable to our children.  Furthermore, admit mistakes and be genuine with any applicable apologies.  Parents earn trust and respect from their children when sharing our human faults and acknowledging those mistakes.  

Mentoring a younger LGBTQ person in your career field is a great option.   Consider ways to spend time with newly out LGBTQ persons that do not involve sexual activity; introduce them to other friends and allies over meals, relaxed conversation, or social activities like bowling, going to the beach, visiting the Stonewall Museum, or volunteering together at an LGBTQ friendly non-profit organization.  Engage them in fundraising efforts for local non-profits like the Smart Ride or Sun Serve.

3.  Teach Your Children to Care for Others and Set High Ethical Expectations.  Consider reframing the message, “The most important thing is that you are happy,” to “The most important thing is that you are kind and that you are happy.”  Children are encouraged to share in household responsibilities, negotiate with siblings and close friends, play fairly when engaging in cards or a board game, and to think about other peers who may be viewed as outsiders or unpopular.

Within the “alphabet soup” of LGBTQ, most of us represent one letter, but we serve as allies for the other letters in the LGBTQ community.  Cisgender persons advocating for transgender rights and understanding continues to grow the trust and acceptance of our full community.  Encourage newly out persons to follow safer sex guidelines and to be wary of drug abuse.  Build close friendships with persons across the full LGBT spectrum as well as those LGBTQ persons from various race, faith, and national backgrounds.  Befriending all colors of the rainbow sets lofty expectations for the young adults we mentor.

4.  Encourage Children to Practice Appreciation and Gratitude.  Practicing thankfulness on a regular basis will often result in developing helpful, generous, compassionate and forgiving young adults.  Demonstrating random acts of kindness will build responsibility in the classroom, after school activities, community teams and events, as well as at home.  Role model thanking restaurant workers and collaborating with store clerks politely to teach children responsible behavior in public settings.

In our LGBTQ community, consider volunteering for a LGBTQ focused non-profit organization; taking the time to give directions to a visitor seeking a store or restaurant on Wilton Drive; taking trash or recyclables to the proper disposal units in public places; and for those of us who work out in an LGBTQ friendly gym, put the weights back in the proper location when you finish working out with them.  Take a newly out LGBTQ person to volunteer at The Poverello Center or to another entity that provides meals to financially challenged persons, persons homebound with severe illnesses, and/or persons living on the streets.

5.  Teach Children to See the Big Picture.  Teach children to care not only about their close friends but about a larger circle that includes a new classmate, a rival, people who speak another language, or someone who has a disability.  Encourage children to consider the perspectives and feelings of other persons, especially those who are vulnerable.  Discuss how to act, such as comforting a peer who has been teased or bullied, as well as considering children whose financial circumstances may be challenging.

Our challenge as LGBTQ persons is to extend ourselves to advocate for other rights of all minorities, to welcome someone different into my circle of friends, and again, to encourage LGBTQ young adults to understand not only our community history, but to advocate for other minority groups seeking equality. Much like our lesbian allies provided care, meals, and quality time with gay and bisexual HIV+ men suffering with AIDS related complications, men can step up to provide care, meals, and quality time with women during chemotherapy treatments for breast cancer.  Take young adults on your fundraising journeys for the Smart Ride, Breast Cancer, AIDS and walks for other medical conditions.

While these suggestions are not a fully comprehensive list, my hope is that the elements presented by the Harvard psychologists and the commentary about the applications to the LGBTQ community challenges you as a parent, mentor, citizen, and human being to be your best self and to extend that best self to the younger members of our community.