Marriage Comparisons (Click Title to Leave a Comment)

During the past few weeks, I attended two weddings.   Both couples reside in Northern Virginia.  Each ceremony included family members sharing a reading or a blessing.   The fathers of one couple jointly lit a set of candles to demonstrate the solidarity of the two families.   Many of the invited guests traveled thousands of miles to attend the respective ceremonies.   The receptions were full of laughter, smiles, hugs, good wishes, dance music and excellent food. 

Both couples opted to get married outside of Virginia.  The first couple celebrated a destination wedding in which the groom had dreamed of an island wedding and the bride fulfilled her wish of a wedding at a specific location her granduncle introduced her to on a family vacation as a teenager.  The second couple celebrated at a beautiful mansion in Maryland.   The first couple has been together for about three years and the wedding was a catalyst for creating a new home.  The second couple has been living together for more than a decade after thirteen years of dating.   The savvy reader has likely figured out that the first couple is heterosexual and the second couple is gay.

The heterosexual couple had the option of being married in Virginia while having their marriage validated – not so for the gay couple.   If the bride is injured or sick resulting in hospitalization in Virginia, the groom would be consulted about any medical decisions due to the status of being married – not the same for the gay grooms.    Both couples will have the option to file joint Federal tax returns, but only the heterosexual couple will have that option for state tax returns in Virginia.   

So when the subject of gay marriage turns to states such as Florida, Virginia, Texas and any other US State which does not recognize gay marriages, the legal rights of two lesbian brides or two gay grooms are “less than” the rights of a married heterosexual couple.   One of the reasons I appreciated the gay wedding taking place in Maryland is that Maryland laws are structured to support the legality of gay marriage while clergy of various faiths have the option to refer elsewhere if the place of worship is not accepting of gay marriage (yes, legal rights for all combined with religious freedom for all).  And the pastor serving at the gay wedding was so pleased to be officiating the wedding in full capacity of her faith.

On Wednesday, June 25^th, I am honored to co-facilitate a workshop about gay marriage with local attorney Dean Trantalis.   Florida does not recognize gay marriage and as such, couples must be well aware of various rights and lack of rights by pursuing marriage in another US state.  We will also discuss the communication and negotiation skills that gay and lesbian couples need when investigating the impact of a gay wedding.

While I look forward to the day that each of the couples cited above will enjoy the same rights as a married couple, I certainly support both couples in their respective celebrations of their lifetime commitments and status as soulmates.  It’s been an honor to be included as a guest and close friend at each marriage celebration.

Group Therapy Benefits

Irvin Yalom is considered one of the field’s greatest experts about group therapy.  His research indicated that group members learn more about the meaning of their behavioral choices which leads to “discovering and accepting previously unknown or unacceptable parts of myself.”   The discovery process fosters other positive outcomes such as reinforcing the ability to care for oneself and other persons, to relate closely to others and to experience compassion.  

The principles can be applied to self-help groups.   Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts gain insight both about the consequences of their addiction and gain strength from living out principles of recovery that keep them not only sober but happy.   Bereavement group members address the depths of pain associated with the death of a loved one and find strength from the healing power of connecting with others who have experienced similar losses.   Abuse survivors recognize the critical nature of ceasing the patterns of self-blame and focusing on creating and enhancing the supportive positive relationships in the present day.

During my career, I have been fortunate to witness incredible change for some of the following clients who have utilized group therapy to make significant changes in their lives:

• The NFL lineman confronted by an elderly female about how his marijuana dependence destroyed his career and why he needed to get clean.
• The partnered man considering an affair confronted by a peer about how his poor body image was creating the “rationalization” for cheating and rather than recognizing he was violating his ethics and fidelity.
• The childhood sexual abuse survivor who created a strategy for gaining support from his siblings prior to confronting his parent who had been the perpetrator
• The gay man rejected many years ago in a church setting for his sexual orientation who received peer support to locate an affirming place of worship for the first time in more than a decade where he could be open about his sexual orientation
• The female survivor of childhood sexual abuse who learned to trust her fiancé in establishing the first primary mutual sexual relationship in her lifetime
• The HIV positive man, newly single, learning about how to communicate his status with the HIV negative man he was dating prior to their first weekend away.

Group modality creates an environment where self-disclosure and peer feedback provides the catalyst for significant change.   As the facilitator, my role is to create the “therapeutic” setting that fosters an environment of compassion and trust resulting with each of the group members sharing their personal concerns and confirming insights about personal behavior changes designed to result in emotional well-being.

Choose a Cause

Tom Rath and Jim Harter, authors of the book Well Being, note that giving back to the community is often beyond pure altruism because the “giver” has an emotional tie to that entity’s mission or cause.  Volunteers with a vested interest usually have more to offer because of all of their knowledge and personal mission.

During the past month, several friends shared about these events:

• Friend who completed the South Florida AIDS walk to raise money for HIV Prevention
• Friend who cooked gallons of black bean soup for Ruth’s Ministry, a dedicated weekly ministry to feed financially disadvantaged persons in Fort Lauderdale
• Friend who is organizing a fundraiser for Meth and Men, a group of local community leaders trying to reduce crystal meth use within the South Florida Gay community
• Friend running in the BKB Foundation 5K in Washington DC which provides prospective first-generation college students with scholarships and visits to college campuses
• Friend who is collecting a group of volunteers to help with home renovation for a DC based group similar in philosophy to Habitat for Humanity
• Friend who volunteers to coordinate the room at a community center to ensure daily Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings are available
• Friend who volunteers time on the neo-natal unit of a hospital assisting the nursing staff with care of the premature babies in their healing processes 

Each of these friends has identified a personal cause and is donating their time and talent to assist the mission of the identified organization.  Sometimes clients are surprised when I inquire about their current volunteer commitments.   Frequently, they report a decrease in these types of volunteer activities that coincides with an increase of the challenges (depression, substance abuse, family conflict, etc.) that brought them into the counseling process.  Resuming volunteer activities is often one of the treatment goals identified to reduce the presenting negative symptoms. 

I encourage my Blog followers to take a moment and reflect upon your current volunteer activities with the following questions:

• Am I passionate about the mission of this organization?
• Do I experience joy and happiness during my volunteer participation?
• Whom amongst my friends might I want to encourage joining me in this type of volunteer service?

Take some time this week to support your heartfelt volunteer missions; you’ll be glad you did.